Life update - where have I been?

I have been very absent from social media and my blog this year. I haven’t felt in an emotional stable enough state to share an update but over the months I have worked through a lot and feel it is time to share an update. Starting off with the news of my pregnancy and why I waited 4 months before sharing it with all of you.

Those who know me, know that I haven’t ever really been in a rush to have children. So you can imagine many people’s surprise when I started sharing the news that I was pregnant.  I kept my pregnancy news limited to only close family for quite a long time because I was going through quite a lot at the time and needed to not overwhelm myself. I sheltered myself from many things as a coping mechanism and it is only now that I feel comfortable sharing an update.

In February I lost my Granny, which is the first close death I’ve had to deal with in over 18 years. I’ve been so fortunate up until this year that I actually forgot how to deal with the emotions you feel when you lose a loved one. It was and still is very difficult to process. In many ways I still haven’t dealt with it properly because I just don’t know how to. As I thought I was starting to improve a bit, Scamp started battling a lot with his health which put extra strain on me. I was in a constant state of grieving up until May then I found out that I was pregnant.

Finding out I am pregnant was one of the most incredible moments of my life. Despite all I was going through and the despair I was trying to deal with, it was an overwhelming joyful moment where for a moment all the pain just disappeared for a while. As soon as I found out I wanted to jump in the car to go tell my parents and sister, but JP and I decided to keep the news to ourselves until a blood test confirmed the 4 at home pregnancy tests I took (yes, I went a bit overboard but I wanted to be sure). Sadly, that joy wasn’t long lived for me.

A few days later after a blood test confirmed I am pregnant, we found out that my Dad has cancer. Going from that extreme high to suddenly being at one of the lowest points in my life was a big shock to my system. I didn’t really know how to deal with the emotions and I had to also consider my little baby depending on me to help her grow. It was stressful.  I cycled between moments of utter joy to ones of complete despair. I really couldn’t cope with anything emotionally and physically I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, I just wanted to vegetate.

On top of all of this, back in April I had applied for an Operations Manager position at work (thinking there was no way I would get it but I wanted to give it a shot) and I found out I was successful.  I was so happy and really surprised myself by getting it. It was such a big accomplishment for me and something I have been working towards. But it turns out, the timing wasn’t the best because a few weeks within finding out I got the job, I got the pregnancy news and my Dad’s cancer news. Having my first check-in with my manager and having to tell him that I was pregnant was so nerve wracking and I was anxious about the demands of this new role with all the things I was going through in my personal life. It’s been really challenging balancing the new role with my current work responsibilities (that are ongoing) and just dealing with life.

It has been a rough few months for me. We had to wait until August for my Dad’s operation to remove the cancer tumor, which was an incredibly long wait for us. I found that in order to cope with things, I had to be almost in a state of denial about my Dad’s condition. That is not a great way to deal with things because when something else comes along, it just breaks you….and that is what happened.

In August Scamp took a turn for the worst. After 18 and a half years of sharing my life with him, we had to make the tough call to say goodbye to him. I can’t describe the sense of loss and level of grief I went through. I still can’t speak about it because the grief is still too strong. Scamp was such an important part of my life – I was lucky to share more than half my life with him and the impact he had on me was so profound. As I am writing this I was to breakdown so I will rather just move on else I’ll never finish this post.

My Dad had his operation shortly after Scamp’s death and it was an incredibly stressful time for us as a family. I was also working on a stressful project which really has drained me. I felt a deep sadness I had never felt before, which felt as if I was carrying a heavy weight on my chest all the time. Nothing made me happy and it reached a point where I just felt numb. When the day of my Dad’s operation arrived everything became real for me, that state of denial I was forcing myself to be in crumbled away and I suddenly had to deal with many emotions all at once. I didn’t feel like myself and everything around me just faded to the background. The only thing that felt important to me was making sure I stayed connected to my family.

I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful support structure in my family. Without them, I really don’t know how I would have been able to pull through. Fortunately we got some positive news about my Dad’s condition in September and things are looking good. I think there is always this fear in the back of my mind now with each checkup, that his results won’t be good and we’ll have to go through all of this again. When I found out about his cancer my first thought was that he might not be able to meet his grandchild – and that broke me.

This year, I have really just been focusing on my family, my Little Donut (that is our nickname for our baby) and making sure I am doing as best as I can.. This blog and many other things have simply not been a priority in my life and I really didn’t feel up to even thinking about products or even using them. My self-care and “beauty routine” was non-existent. The only thing I really focused on was making sure I was getting the stuff my body needed for my baby.

Despite this tough year, the one thing that really has been special is to experience pregnancy. The fact that I am growing a tiny little version of JP and I is really such a wonderful experience. We look forward to each scan, chat about the type of parents we want to be and imagine all the adventures we are going to have with her.  I went many years thinking that I wouldn’t have a child – I didn’t want to bring a child into the world we live in – but we had such an overwhelming need to expand our family that we simply couldn’t ignore it. Now that we can feel her move more, that she actually responds to touches and I can tell when she is sleeping and awake – nothing makes me happier. I can’t believe the bond I already have with her.

We are having so much fun planning her nursery and sorting out all the clothing and goodies we have bought her. I cannot wait to meet her and to start learning from her. I am so ready to be a Mommy and to meet my Little Donut in January. As I am improving emotionally, I’ll try to post more on the blog, share some updates on the nursery and things I get up to.  But for now, I just wanted to post an update not only to let you all know what has been going on but I suppose also as a way to clear out my head.

Thank you to those of you who have stuck around, it means a lot to me.

Big Hugs,

Charlene XXX